There's a Difference Between Being Personal and Being Genuine

Last month, I was at a local event when a statewide political candidate walked up to me, subtly looked at my name tag, and greeted me with a smile.

"Brian! So great to see you again!"

There was just one problem: I'm certain we never met.

Now, to be fair, I have one of those faces that seems to blend into a crowd. More times than I can count, complete strangers have come up to me in stores to ask where they can find an item because they assume I work there. Apparently, I have a very approachable (or very employable) face. Anyways, I laughed off the instance with the politician and moved on. It's a politician, right?

But, it stuck with me. Not because the candidate got it wrong, but because it reminded me how easy it is to mistake familiarity for authenticity.

When Someone Really Pays Attention

Early in my career, I worked at a hospital with roughly 5,000 employees. The CEO had a reputation for remembering people. Not just names, but people.

I was a 23-year old graduate intern. In the grand scheme of the organization, there was no need for him to remember me. Yet every time our paths crossed, he would pick up the conversation exactly where we had left it weeks or even months prior.

He remembered what we had talked about. He asked thoughtful follow-up questions. I walked away feeling like I mattered.

Looking back, I realize it wasn't his memory that impressed me most; it was his attention.

Over the years, I've become more aware of my own shortcomings. I'm not as quick with names and faces as I used to be. Sometimes I draw a blank on a spouse's name, where someone grew up, or the hobby they told me about six months ago. I don't like that about me. But, I've realized something else: I'd much rather ask someone to remind me than pretend I remember.

"I'm sorry. Can you remind me where we met?" or "I know we talked about your kids last time. Tell me again how they're doing."

I've never had someone get upset because I admitted I couldn't remember a detail. If anything, people seem to appreciate the honesty.

The Alternative is Much Worse

At one of my previous employers, I received a company-wide email congratulating my wife and me on our new home in Maine.

It was a thoughtful gesture.

Except...we weren't moving to Maine. We were moving to Vermont. And, this person spelled my wife's name wrong. I know what happened. I get it. People are busy. This person wanted to make the announcement feel personal, but the details weren't checked. Instead of making me feel seen, I felt processed.

That's the funny thing about personalization. It isn't the effort people remember—it's the attention.

Working in communications, we spend a lot of time talking about authenticity, personalization, employee engagement, and relationship-building.

One thing is for sure: genuine connection starts with paying attention. Sometimes, paying attention means remembering a conversation months ago. Other times, it means double-checking the details before hitting "Send." And, sometimes it simply means being honest enough to say, "I'm sorry. I know we met, but can you remind me?"

That's the difference between making someone feel remembered and trying to make them think they were remembered.

People don't expect us to have perfect memories. But, they do expect us to be genuine.

And in the long run, authenticity will always outlast performance.